Sharon

It has been about 3 years and 5 months since my grandmother passed away, and I still find that I think about her daily. Sometimes I still have to catch myself when I think about her being alive, and when I will see her next, what I will tell her about my life that is new and ask her about her latest ailment (because she had oh-so-many)that is bothering her. Lately I have been doing pretty good in not "forgetting" that she is no longer alive. Then last night I dreamt about her. Here is how the dream went.

I was walking towards her house, on one of my usual visits. On my way there I ran into a box of abandoned kittens. They all looked malformed and undernourished. They weren't the cutest things I have ever seen, but I felt a bond with them. I brought the box into my grandmothers house and told my grandma about them. Here's the thing, when I looked at my grandma, she didn't have a face and she didn't speak to me, but I saw her outline, which is so distinct to me. Maybe this is my fear of forgetting what she looks like. Almost as if I need a picture to recall her face, as I can't automatically do it one my own.

Anyway the dream continued with me being in a complete different room from her, watching the kittens. I was talking to her through the walls, but she wouldn't respond to anything to I said. I looked down at a white blanket that was laying on the couch and realized that there were a bunch of fleas laying on it that were brought in by the kittens. For some reason I thought that this was something I shouldn't tell my grandmother about. Like I was ashamed of what I brought into her house and I didn't want her to be angry at me.

It was at this point that I startled myself awake. The actual panic, fear of what my grandmother would think of me, woke me up. My first initial thought was, "Oh, I need to tell grandma about this one. I wonder what she will say about it." My second thought was, "Oh yeah."

I miss her.