I'm currently in inpatient rehab (discharge date in T-Minus 4 days) recovering from surgery and relearning to walk, step and generally function with my right side in a strong and coordinated manner. To be honest, in the worst case, horrible insurance scenario, I could maybe probably be released...I would just be a HUGE risk for falling and forever keeping my "limpy" walk that I have been using presurgery. Bad habits are learned fast and apparently hard to quit. Come on muscles! Listen to those new clear brain/neuron signals!
During this rehab process, I'm getting to know a lot of new nurses, aids, physical therapists, occupational therapists, etc. They ask the standard conversational questions: what do you do for work, where in Milwaukee do you live? Are you married? DO YOU HAVE KIDS!?!?
I am 32. Of course I have been asked this last "kids" question before. It's a standard, generic, filler, fake-it-like-I-care question. Normally I answer the question with no problem, like a script. "Hello my name is Holland, I am 32 from the Riverwest neighbor of Milwaukee. Never married and no kids. Currently working in the recruiting field."
Even in my early 20's I said that I would be ok with never having kids. It was not going to make or break my future. If it happened, great! If it didn't, that was fine as well. That is why the kid question never moved me. It didn't define me.
For some reason, since I have been in the hospital, I have been offended
by that kid question. Offended on behalf of the alternate universe version of myself that has
a long time desire to have kids. The kid question that would remind a person of a very difficult decision that could lie ahead. Do I knowingly attempt to have children given the high risk of passing on a rare genetic disorder that just happened to give my personal ass a swift kick? Not to mention that within the past year I have also been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, from my understanding...also highly likely to be passed on?
And then, I think, what if I was a woman that was previously trying to have kids but was already physically having difficulty? What if on top of infertility, I was now dealing with a weakened spinal cord, genetic neural tumors and anxiety? THANKS FOR ASKING SUCH A SENSITIVE QUESTION PEOPLE!
My future kids viewpoint has remained the same throughout this ordeal. I don't desire children and I don't not desire children. So this roadblock has still not affected my life. However, I wouldn't lie if it didn't make me think. What if I met someone that made me desperately want to have children? What if I unexpectedly become pregnant? What then? To be honest, I would be a mess!
Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...this diagnosis/surgery has been....challenging. But one of the most difficult things to watch is what it has done to my parents/family. I am so beyond lucky to have them and the rest of my family in my life. They have been by my side every single day in the hospital. But to watch the constant worry/fatigue on my mom's face, fresh gray hairs and nervous scratches on my dad (listening to his stress naps in the chair next to me). I start to feel guilty for putting them through all of this. My goal is to get back to normal so they can go back to normal and I no longer have to watch them deal with this entire situation.
Why would a person want/desire to have children when something like this could happen? And this is one of the "easier" things that could happen to a kid (I am not dying, I will survive). So many horrible, terrible things could happen to your offspring. And you would have to watch them suffer? Sorry, but not sorry. I am too weak, selfish to do that. I'll keep my group of people that I care about at the current number and create no new people that can stress me out!
Uhhh, but really my intentions are far less selfish. I just don't want a future person to potentially inherit my genetic disorders...yeah, that's the real reason. It's for them. Not me. Congrats future nonexistent mini-mes.
1 comment:
Your dad and I have not been tested yet, so we do not for sure how you got this neurofibromatosis. But, I can tell you that even if one of us does have it or was the one to have passed the gene on to you, it would not change my feeling that I was blessed by being able to give birth to you and have you in my life. If I could go back in time....there is no way I would change not having you, just to avoid "giving" you this disease. And maybe I am being selfish. But, I really don't think so because I think you have had a very good life...and you will continue to have one. More important, I know that you have had a positive impact on a lot of people so far in your life..and you will continue to do so. I think that writing about your experiences will be one way. Another impact you will have is through your relationships with your nieces and nephews.....Lainie, Ian, Lucy, Gabe and Teddy. They are all very much a part of you and have learned so much from having you in their life.
If it turns out that either Dad or I have the genes that led to this, we will have to deal with that. But, I am glad that we did not know prior to "deciding" to have a family. I cannot imagine a life without you four. Would we have decided not to have kids? I don't know. But there was a reason for the four of you being born. Without you four, there would be no Ian, Lainie, Gabe, Lucy and Teddy. Some people may think it is kind of sad that I define myself most as a mother and grandmother. But I don't care, because that is who I am and I would not want it any other way.
Blogs can be very therapeutic. I am glad that you were able to share these very personal feelings. But please know that Dad and I are more than okay and will always be here for you.
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