The Unemployment Blues

I'm gonna change this blog's name to "Life is a bummer."

I was fired from my job last Monday. It took me a week to finally process it and not cry when it's brought up in a conversation. I never thought I would be fired in my lifetime, but here it is. I have to deal with it.

My employer told me that my performance was slipping especially in regards to communication and professional demeanor in stressful situations. They could never give me solid examples, outside of a few emails that had grammatical errors. One example they tried to use was when I cried (in a private staff office) during the annual conference I planned. I pointed out that at that time I was dealing with my mother being in the hospital, but apparently that wasn't good enough for an excuse. I didn't fight the dismissal. What was the use?

My relationship with my former supervisor was strained. I tried so hard to please her but only ended up being highly intimidated by her. The intimidation did not help my current anxiety issues, and definitely was not helping my work performance. In the end I know that this for the best. The situation I was in was only breaking down my self esteem. Self esteem that was slowly being chipped away by a pretty hostile work environment.

I'm using this as a learning experience. I need to be more confidant in speaking to my superiors, speaking up when I disagree with decisions are being made (in the most professional way possible), and just overall being confidant in my actions and decisions.

It just sucks being unemployed! There is nothing fun about it. I'm encouraged to try to think of this time as a mini-vacation. Well, that's hard for two reasons: 1) I was not being paid well with my former employer so I am going to have to scrimp and save until the next job arrives, and 2) I'm one of those weird people that actually likes (dare I say, loves) getting up in the morning to go to a full day of work. Damn me and my blue collar Midwestern work ethic.

So I am currently trudging along. Unemployment insurance benefit claims filed, resume updated, references secured, several job applications submitted, etc. Next steps, finding things to fill my time: volunteer work, working out (not at the gym obviously - membership had to be cancelled to save money), catching up with friends and more work search.

*Sigh* One of these days I will be a real, successful, happy adult. Wish me luck friends!

The Sky is Not Falling After All

With the recent death of Robin Williams, everyone has been talking more openly about mental illness. I feel it's important to not feel ashamed to talk about my own struggles. My family and close friends are already aware of this, but now I am not afraid for others to know as well: I'm seeing a therapist and taking an antidepressant.

A lot has happened over the past few months that led me to finally admit that I needed help. Let's see...oh yeah...my my mom almost died after going into septic shock brought on upon pneumonia. No biggie or anything.

While she was still in recovery at the hospital, like the awesome daughter that I am, I left for Philadelphia to attend the meeting that I plan all year round, followed by a very selfish solo trip to New York for a few days. Don't worry, Karma paid me back by playing a very emotional song whilst I had breakfast at a hipster cafe in Chinatown. I proceeded to break down crying. My mother is doing much better now, for which I am extremely grateful.

The two months following my mother's illness, I struggled with getting to and staying asleep. I would have a million things running through my mind at once: worries about my finances, work, friendships, my own health, my future. All thoughts and perceived conclusions pointed to utter disaster - the end of my world as I knew it. The rational girl that I am, I knew these thoughts - the constant worry - was not normal. I knew the lack of sleep was going to eventually affect my work. I went to see my doctor to talk about it. After my doctor listened to my symptoms and witnessed my physical unease/tenseness, without hesitation, she let me know that I was suffering from a generalized anxiety disorder. She recommended I see a therapist and she also prescribed me medication.

I took my doctors advice and scheduled to see a therapist. After my first session with her, based on how I described my life and coping skills (pre-"breakdown") she pretty much told me that I was probably suffering from anxiety for a while. I was just better at coping with it before. With recent stressors in my life, my standard coping strategies just weren't cutting it! It was weird to finally have someone point out to me what I always knew was true, but I was just too afraid to admit.

I am grateful that I sought out help as soon as I knew something wasn't right, before the anxiety progressed into something worse. I am continuing to look forward, with my head held high. I will be happy, I will be healthy, I will beat this!

I would feel like this is a missed opportunity, if I didn't mention the following links/numbers for anyone that feels like they also need help (Afraid about insurance coverage? due to recent government changes, most insurance plans must cover mental health services). Don't be afraid to ask for help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-8255

Tips for Finding Treatment from the National Institute on Mental Health
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml

U-G-L-Y, I ain't got no alibi...

While sitting in my season ticket holder seat during a game, a Milwaukee Brewers staffer noticed that there were three people in my row, myself included, that were all wearing a different t-shirt that had been given away to fans that season. He asked we three strangers to take a picture together and we all complied. I come to find out later that my picture was featured on the Milwaukee Brewers' Twitter, Instagram and Facebook pages. Clearly, I have become internet famous! The question posed on the Brewers social media outlets: "Which Brewers' t-shirt giveaway is your favorite?"

One response stood out to me. It read, "Preferably one a good looking fan! Ugly finder!"  After spending a few minutes trying to translate what exactly the young fellow was trying to say, it finally dawned on me. He was insulting us. Rude!

I am the first to admit, it is not a great photo of me. However, I am the only person that gets to make fun of my appearance! This situation is unfortunately not the first time I have been called ugly by a complete stranger. Ah, how I do not miss drunk men in college or teenage boys shouting at me while I walked home from middle school. So, in the end, the insult rolled off my back. I've finally grown comfortable in my own skin that I don't need the opinions of others to know that I am alright just the way that I am. I wish this epiphany didn't take 30 years to finally come to me.

What upsets me is that the other girl featured in the photo, sits next to me at every game. She is a great, friendly, boisterous girl. The guy I had never met before but he was very warm and friendly for the brief moment we interacted. I was hurt on both of their behalves. (Hippie alert!) Not that physical appearance matters, but neither one of them is ugly. (/Hippie alert!) These are real life, actual people, in the photos. They have feelings. Would you say this to their face?

I find it upsetting that individuals feel like its ok to revert to childish playground insults when it comes to making fun of anonymous individuals in photos, crowds, internet, etc. These bullies probably feel, if they don't know the person or if they think the person won't hear/see it, it's ok to crack "a joke" to get a laugh, or in Facebook's case, a "Like".

I am not perfect. I know I have done the same in the past. It's something I am always working on. And my advice to you my friends, do the same.

Everyone has the right to their opinions and to think that someone is ugly. You should just really keep it to yourself, because chances are, no one wants to hear it.