I Hate to Brag, but I am Really Popular with the Drunk Males

Thank heavens for drunk males. If it weren't for them, the only people that would be telling me I am pretty are my family members. I mean, how am I supposed to know that I am pretty unless it is verbally reinforced to me?

I don't know if I have one of those faces that says, "Come here strange/drunk/awkward man, I need a conversation." Or if it's simply I reinforce the bad behavior by continuing to talk to these men and not ignore them like a normal female. But I don't regret it, because it usually results in a good story/picture (and hey, it's nice to be told by someone who isn't related to you that you're pretty...even if they are beyond wasted).

Here are a few of my past favorites:

I call this guy "fiance" because I never did get his name. He spotted my friends and I on the street as we were trying to get a taxi. He wanted to know where we were going. Somehow we ended up having a long conversation with him which included listing off our favorite movies. When I told him mine was Usual Suspects, he proposed to me on the spot. What followed was a series of pictures like the one above. He tried real hard to get me to follow him to his apartment, but I politely declined.

This fella's name is Deep for short. I met him while traveling in Thailand. He and his friend were staying at the same hostel as me and my friend. Earlier in the day we had a nice chat with his friend who recommended a few things to see on the island, as Deep just stood quietly next to him. Later on in the night, at a beach party, my friend and I saw Deep (without his friend) stumbling across the beach. He spotted us and ran toward us, immediately hugging me and telling me how glad he was to see me. Because of his state (which seemed to include some type of drug along with alcohol), my friend and I were worried to leave him alone. So we decided to walk him back to the hostel. Because he was a small guy I had to drag him along with my arm around him (as demonstrated above). Along the way Deep attempted to feel me up and kiss me which I easily stopped. Once my friend and I got him in his bed, I politely excused myself to go back to the beach party after explaining to him why I wasn't going to sleep with him.

Met this gem while traveling in Taiwan. I am sure that I got him name, but it has been such a long time that I have forgotten it at this point. My friend and I decided to end a day of sightseeing by getting a drink. While we were enjoying our old fashions, this lovely gentlemen started to shoot water (fountain style) out of his mouth in the direction of me and my friend. Instead of complaining to the bartender, I decided to confront him (smart idea obviously). I must have not come off stern enough because he came over to start a jolly conversation. Without an open invite he started hugging me (while asking if we could cuddle). He probably should have been a little more patient in waiting for my answer: which would have been "Not right now." He too asked me to follow him home. I politely declined.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to capture all of my favorites with a pictures. I will sum the picture-less guys up quickly:

• A gentleman in New Orleans (who looked like the brunette version of Guy Fieri) who tried to woo me with this new (aka scabby) tattoos on his arms and stories about his recent breakup with his baby mama of ten years.
• A guy who was 8 years younger than me, saying if he slept with me how jealous his friend would be because they both always wanted to have sex with someone in their 30's. I might have given him death stares after that statement.
• A dude named Ben, dressed in head to toe tweed. He was carrying around a plastic pipe which he attempted to use to caress my thigh.

I am sure the list goes on, but for the time being I can't think of more. If a friend is reading this and thinks of one, please let me know! I love trips down memory lane.

Oh drunk men! I look forward to interacting with you again once I fully recover from this surgery. I will miss being able to tell these stories.

Know your body and take action

I have been home from impatient rehab now for one week. I am extremely grateful for the time I was given in there especially now that I realize how tired out I get from walking, doing dishes or cooking. I really needed that extra time to gain strength and coordination just to allow me to function at a base level.

This entire experience has definitely taught me to take a minute, step back, access the situation, listen to others, and to stop being so stubbornly independent. If it were my decision, the old me would have been fighting the doctors and requesting to be sent home as soon as possible because I felt "fine." Well, I guess feeling "fine" for the past several months has turned out to not be the case.

People don't listen to the signs that their bodies are sending them. I am a perfect example of a person who did not. It started with back tingling/numbness when I would stand up from sitting down. The tingling would last just for a while but would go away after I would walk around for a while. No big deal, probably just sleeping funny. Then I started to realize I couldn't stretch my right leg as far as my left leg. Ah, I am just out of shape, I need to hit the gym. Then the tingling went to my arm. Um...well it's not happening all of the time, probably just a fluke. Next, when playing a game with coworkers where I needed to throw paper in the trash from a distance, my hand wouldn't release the makeshift ball. Instead the paper ball would fall from my fingers awkwardly to the floor. This should have been the moment I freaked out. The moment that I thought, this isn't right. And yet, I still did nothing. I guess the fear of the unknown was enough for me to ignore the situation.

Luckily, not too long afterward, a somewhat new friend of mine asked me when I was going to explain how I got my limp in my right leg. I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. Other people were noticing something was up. This was the motivation for me to bring it up to my doctor. And here we are now!

I am now a full believer in a trusting gut reaction, especially when it comes to one's own body. If your body is saying, this feels funny you should probably listen to it. Trust your instinct. But one thing:

DON'T GOOGLE SYMPTOMS! IT WILL ONLY LEAD TO UNNECESSARY WORRY! This is why there are professionals: they give us the diagnosis and prognosis (and there is such a thing as a second opinion). Reach out for help if something doesn't feel right. I know I am happy I did.

Finally, I know that I am saying all of this as an employed and insured individual. There are other reasons that people don't reach out for help, which are unfortunate and sad. Perhaps that will be a subject for another blog post in the near future.

Dear Future Biological Children That Were Most Likely Never Going To Be...You're Welcome

I'm currently in inpatient rehab (discharge date in T-Minus 4 days) recovering from surgery and relearning to walk, step and generally function with my right side in a strong and coordinated manner. To be honest, in the worst case, horrible insurance scenario, I could maybe probably be released...I would just be a HUGE risk for falling and forever keeping my "limpy" walk that I have been using presurgery. Bad habits are learned fast and apparently hard to quit. Come on muscles! Listen to those new clear brain/neuron signals!

During this rehab process, I'm getting to know a lot of new nurses, aids, physical therapists, occupational therapists, etc. They ask the standard conversational questions: what do you do for work, where in Milwaukee do you live? Are you married? DO YOU HAVE KIDS!?!?

I am 32. Of course I have been asked this last "kids" question before. It's a standard, generic, filler, fake-it-like-I-care question. Normally I answer the question with no problem, like a script. "Hello my name is Holland, I am 32 from the Riverwest neighbor of Milwaukee. Never married and no kids. Currently working in the recruiting field."

Even in my early 20's I said that I would be ok with never having kids. It was not going to make or break my future. If it happened, great! If it didn't, that was fine as well. That is why the kid question never moved me. It didn't define me.

For some reason, since I have been in the hospital, I have been offended by that kid question. Offended on behalf of the alternate universe version of myself that has a long time desire to have kids. The kid question that would remind a person of a very difficult decision that could lie ahead. Do I knowingly attempt to have children given the high risk of passing on a rare genetic disorder that just happened to give my personal ass a swift kick? Not to mention that within the past year I have also been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, from my understanding...also highly likely to be passed on?

And then, I think, what if I was a woman that was previously trying to have kids but was already physically having difficulty? What if on top of infertility, I was now dealing with a weakened spinal cord, genetic neural tumors and anxiety? THANKS FOR ASKING SUCH A SENSITIVE QUESTION PEOPLE!

My future kids viewpoint has remained the same throughout this ordeal. I don't desire children and I don't not desire children. So this roadblock has still not affected my life. However, I wouldn't lie if it didn't make me think. What if I met someone that made me desperately want to have children? What if I unexpectedly become pregnant? What then? To be honest, I would be a mess!

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...this diagnosis/surgery has been....challenging. But one of the most difficult things to watch is what it has done to my parents/family. I am so beyond lucky to have them and the rest of my family in my life. They have been by my side every single day in the hospital. But to watch the constant worry/fatigue on my mom's face, fresh gray hairs and nervous scratches on my dad (listening to his stress naps in the chair next to me). I start to feel guilty for putting them through all of this. My goal is to get back to normal so they can go back to normal and I no longer have to watch them deal with this entire situation.

Why would a person want/desire to have children when something like this could happen?  And this is one of the "easier" things that could happen to a kid (I am not dying, I will survive). So many horrible, terrible things could happen to your offspring. And you would have to watch them suffer?  Sorry, but not sorry. I am too weak, selfish to do that. I'll keep my group of people that I care about at the current number and create no new people that can stress me out!

Uhhh, but really my intentions are far less selfish. I just don't want a future person to potentially inherit my genetic disorders...yeah, that's the real reason. It's for them. Not me. Congrats future nonexistent mini-mes.