My...those are nice fallopian tubes you have

I hate going out to drink in Sheboygan. There is something about the chance of running into old classmates that makes me want to vomit. But I will go out if there is a special reason. And this past weekend there was two: My sister and brother-in-law actually going out for the first time in a long time and my friend Kim coming home from South Carolina.

Let me explain my friend Kim before I go on. She loves to start conversations with new and random people. Usually she will start with an oddball opening, or trying to convince the people that she is someone that she is not. A good example of this is her telling people that I am a ballerina.

So my mission for the night, was to try out Kim's new pick up line: "Excuse me, but I thought you would like to know that I have really nice fallopian tubes." Normally my reaction to this would be, "Fuck yeah Kim. There is no way I will do that." Unfortunately I am very susceptible to peer pressure, so with Kim, my sister and brother-in-law cheering me on, I spotted some non-threatening guy and decided to try it out. Here's how it went down:

Me: Excuse me guys, but I am going to say something to you and I just want your immediate reaction to it.
Guys: Ok. Go.
Me: Well, I have really nice fallopian tubes.
Guys: *Nervous laugh*
Guy A: No one has ever said that to me before. And I am kind of turned off right now.
Guy B: Besides, you wouldn't know how your fallopian tubes look like. I would know because my mom is a gynecologist.

*some random talking about guy b's mom being a gyno and other pick up lines*

Me: *after some awkward silence and staring at each other* Uhhhh..So, I don't know what else to say. Would you like to hear a joke?
Guys: Yes.

*I tell a dirty joke involving Cinderella and Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater.*

Me: *Immediately following the joke* Yeah! High Five! *I high five both of them*
Guys: *Laugh and look at each other like they think I'm weird*
Guy A: Ok, so what are you drinking because I'm buying?

Yeah...that's right. That line got me not only one free drink, but two.

Reason #1234, Why I'd be a Horrible Mother

This past Thanksgiving weekend I was back home in Sheboygan with my family celebrating my little cousin's 4 year old birthday (isn't that crazy that I have cousins that are over 20 years younger than me?). Her 6ish year old brother tells all of us that he has a Ryan Braun baseball card.

I say to him, "Really? That's awesome! You have a Ryan Braun rookie card?" The surprising thing is I said it without a hint of sarcasm, because A) He's 6 and doesn't understand sarcasm and B) I actually really, really like Ryan Braun.

My cousin got all excited and ran over to me with his little box of baseball ball cards. He shuffles through them and shows me a Ryan Braun card. Just not the Milwaukee Brewer Ryan Braun.

Instead of saying, "Whoa, that's way awesome Brandon." I say, "That's not THE Ryan Braun!"

Right after I say this, I see his little face look so dejected and I feel like crap for not being nicer about it. I did ask him if he had any more cool cards, and he showed me a Corey Hart card. Still awesome, which I let him know.

To make up for it even more, I play Life with him and his older sister. Then comes Reason #1235 why I would be a horrible mother, the entire time I was playing I was thinking, "Come on, let's make this snappy. I got to get back to Milwaukee and get drunk."